Originally Posted on WordPress July 15, 2020. Originally Written in 2011
Fair warning; this will be the most eccentric thing you’ve ever read. If you’re a video gamer, you’ll probably love it. If you’re a Star Wars or Monty Python and the Holy Grail fan, you’ll probably love it. So what is it?
Years ago… back in 2011… I had my first run with the game Star Wars: The Old Republic. I was part of a little guild (gaming group) full of eccentric characters. I got really bored one day and wrote a version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail set in the game universe. I made fun of all the group, my own character Adoxia included, along with various gaming tropes like godmoders and ERP.
Dromund Kaas is the seat of the Sith Empire in the game. The Empire and the Republic exist side by side in this era. It’s a jungle planet. Kaas City is the actual capital city.
PROLOGUE:
It is a time of galactic tyranny. The mighty Sith lord Adoxia has slain all opposition and become Empress of the galaxy. Worlds tremble in fear at her power and majesty. Rebels of the former galactic republic hide and wet themselves at the mere mention of her name.
Never content, the darkest lord of the Sith dreams of new glories and solidifying her empire… Little does she know the fate that awaits her.
Dromund Kaas… The seat of her mighty empire. Adoxia skips through the jungle, her bootlicking droid 2V-R8 following behind her, carrying a boom box making landspeeder noises. She stops at the walls of a great fortified villa. 2V-R8 immediately switches the boom box to the sound of a landspeeder stopping. Adoxia looks up to the perimeter wall of the villa and spots a sentry.
“Halt! Who Goes There!?”, called out the sentry.
“It is I, Adoxia.”, she replied in a haughty tone. “Dark lord of the Sith, mistress of the dark side, destroyer of Jedi, and Empress of the Sith Empire.”
“Pull the other one!”, the sentry replied.
“I am!”, she replied. “And this is my bootlicking droid, Patsy.”
“But master, my designation is 2V-R…”, the droid started to protest.
“I said your name is Patsy”, Adoxia replied venomously as she blasted the hapless robot with force lightning.
The robot fell on the ground twitching and smoking from several servos. “As… as you say master”
With that settled, Adoxia returned her attention to the Villa’s sentry. “Now as I was saying…” “I have traveled far across the planet searching for those worthy to join my dark army of Sith at Kaas City.” “Tell your employer I wish to speak with him, NOW.”
“What, traveled far in a landspeeder?”, the sentry demanded in a disbelieving tone.
“Yes.”, Adoxia replied.
“You’re using a giant boom box”, the sentry replied mockingly.
“What?” demanded Adoxia, somewhat taken aback.
“You’ve got a giant boom box making landspeeder sound effects.”, the sentry replied mockingly.
“So?”, demanded Adoxia. “We’ve traveled since the rains of winter fell on Dromund Kaas and I wish to speak to your employer.”
“Where did you get the boom box?”, the guard demanded.
“We… found it.”, Adoxia replied indignantly with a shifty eyed look.
“Found it?” the guard said, incredulous. “In the jungle??”
“Yes”, Adoxia replied in a frustrated tone.
“But this is a dank humid hellhole of a jungle”, the guard replied. “Boom boxes don’t survive in this kind of humidity.”
“I… had a Jawa bring it to me”, Adoxia replied
“Are you suggesting Jawas live on Dromund Kass?”, the guard asked.
“Not at all.”, Adoxia replied. “They can be flown in.”
“What??” the guard asked in a challenging tone “A Jawa, carrying a giant boom box flown in?”
“It could carry it by the handle!”, Adoxia replied, growing more annoyed.
“It’s not a question of a handle.”, the guard replied in a snooty intellectual tone. “It’s a simple matter of weight ratios.” “A twenty pound Jawa can’t carry a 50 pound boom box!”
“Well it doesn’t matter!”, Adoxia snapped, now thoroughly annoyed. “Now go and tell your employer that Empress Adoxia from Kaas City is here.”
“Look, in order for a Jawa to carry something of that size, it’d need a hover platform, right?”, the guard demanded.
“Go!”, demanded Adoxia.
“Am I right?”, continued the guard, pushing the issue.
“I’m not interested.”, replied Adoxia flatly.
“It could be carried by a snow Jawa.”, a second guard next to the first one said.
“Oh yeah, a snow Jawa maybe…”, the first guard replied. “But they never get on starships.”
Adoxia was nearly in a rage now. “Will you go ask your employer if they have the strength to serve in my Empire?!?”
“Right, true…” the second guard replied. “So it could never bring a boom box anyway.”
Adoxia screamed in rage and shot force lightning at both of the guards, killing them, then skipped off. 2V-R8 immediately turned on the boom box, playing landspeeder acceleration sounds.
In a nearby recently crushed rebel village, bodies lay strew all in the street. People wailed and cried at their crushing defeat, and filth and squalor were everywhere. A huge cart piled with corpses was being pulled by two Gamorreans as an Imperial marine yelled into a bullhorn
“Bring out your dead!”, the marine repeated over and over as they slowly made their way through the town.
“Here, I’ve got one for you.”, demanded Kortiana, carrying a battered and bruised Twi’lek.
“I’m not dead.”, the Twi’lek protested.
The marine looked at the Twi’lek and back to Kortiana. “He says he’s not dead.”
“Yes he is.”, replied Kortiana matter-of-factly.
“No I’m not.”, replied the Twi’lek.
“Well, it’s against regulations for me to take him like that.”, the Marine replied in a somewhat confused tone.
“Can’t you just wait around a few minutes?”, Kortiana demanded. “He won’t be long now.”
“No. I’m already two villages behind schedule.”, the Marine replied.
“Well when will you be back?”, demanded Kortiana indignantly.
“Thursday.”, the Marine answered.
“That won’t do at all.” replied Kortiana. “I need something done now.”
“Sorry, but I can’t take him like that.”, the marine insisted.
“Oh very well…”, Kortiana said, frying the Twi’lek with lightning till his body smoked. “Now take him, she said, throwing the corpse on the cart.
No sooner than the corpse was thrown on the cart than Adoxia came skipping by with 2V-R8 and the boom box in tow. Kortiana and the marine watched her skip past them and out the other end of the village.
“Who was that?” asked the marine, puzzled
“Must have been the Empress.”, Kortiana replied matter-of-factly.
“How could you tell?” Demanded the marine.
“She’s never gotten rid of that idiotic dancer’s bikini top.”, replied Kortiana in a disgusted tone.
And so Adoxia traveled the length of the Drumond Kaas game zone… Boom box making landspeeder noses and playing epic theme music all the way. Soon she passed a wandering Chiss wearing a hood.
“Old woman!”, Adoxia called out.
“Man.”, the Chiss replied indignantly as Adoxia skipped up next to him.
“Oh.. sorry.”, said Adoxia sarcastically. “What warlord lives in that villa up ahead?”
“I’m 37.”, the Chiss replied indigantly.
“What?”, Adoxia snapped.
“I’m 37, I’m not old.”, replied the Chiss, still indignant.
“Well I can’t just call you man.”, Adoxia said, continuing her sarcastic tone.
“You could call me Thrawn.”, the Chiss replied.
“I didn’t know your name.”, replied Adoxia in an annoyed tone.
“Well you didn’t bother to find out, did you?”, snapped the Chiss.
“Look, I did say sorry about the old woman…”, Adoxia said, “but from behind…”
“What I object to.”, the Chiss said, interrupting her. “is that you automatically treat me like an inferior.”
“Well, I am Empress.”, replied Adoxia in a condescending tone.
“Oh, Empress eh?”, the Chiss countered. “Very nice.” “And how’d you get that eh?” “By exploiting the slaves.” “By hanging on to outdated Imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.” “If there’s ever going to be any change…”
The Chiss’s tirade was cut off by a woman running up and calling to him… “Thrawn… Thrawn…”
The woman stopped when she noticed Adoxia and Patsy… uhh 2V-8R.
“Oh, hello there.”, she said. “Who are you?”
“I am Adoxia, Empress of the Sith.”, Adoxia replied. “Who lives in that Villa over there?”
“Empress of the who?”, the woman asked.
“The Sith.”, Adoxia replied flatly.
“Who are the Sith?”, the woman asked.
“We all are.”, Adoxia replied. “We are all Sith, and I am your Empress.”
“I didn’t know we had an Empress.” the woman replied indignantly. “I thought we were an autonomous collective.”
“You’re fooling yourself”, the Chiss replied angrily. “We’re living in a dictatorship.” “A self-perpetuating autocracy and we’re just slaves.”
“Oh there you go bringing class into it again…”, replied the woman.
“Well that’s what it’s all about”, replied the Chiss bitterly.
“I demand to know who lives in that villa up ahead, NOW!”, Adoxia spat.
“No one lives there.” the woman replied.
“Then who is your master?”, Adoxia demanded.
“We don’t have a master.”, replied the woman
“Then who leads you?”, demanded Adoxia.
At this point the Chiss went into a long tirade about how they were independent and took turns leading, how decisions had to be ratified by a majority, etc, etc…
After a minute or two of this, Adoxia had finally had enough. “Silence!”, she yelled. “I order you to be silent.”
“Silent?”, the woman asked indignantly. “Who does she think she is?”
“I am Adoxia, your Empress!”, Adoxia barked at her.
“Well I didn’t vote for you.”, the woman replied.
“You don’t vote for an Empress.”, Adoxia said, incredulous.
“Well how’d you become Empress then?”, the woman demanded.
“My first master, Darth Zash, her head full of insane schemes, gave me my first lightsaber.” Adoxia said “Signifying my birthright to oppress and slay all before me.” “That is why I’m your Empress.”
“Listen.”, demanded the Chiss. “Strange women with crazed delusions handing out laser swords is no basis for a system of government.” “Supreme executive power is derived from the consent of the masses, not some absurd Sith ritual.”
“That… is where you’re wrong”, said Adoxia, finally having enough.
Adoxia lashed out with force lightning (again), causing the Chiss to writhe in pain.
“Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!”, the Chiss shrieked. “Help, help! I’m being repressed!”
“Bloody Republic sympathizer.”, spat Adoxia, pulling out her lightsaber and lopping the Chiss’s head off.
With that she skipped on deeper into the jungles of Drumund Kaas. 2V-8R followed behind as always, playing landspeeder noise and epic theme music.
Deep in the jungle, she came upon a godmoder who had just slain a Jedi in an epic lightsaber duel. Having seen the killing blow and been quite impressed, Adoxia approached the godmoder.
“You fight with the strength of a gundark.”, Adoxia said admiringly.
The godmoder just stood there and stared.
“I am Adoxia; Empress of the Sith”, she added.
Still the godmoder just stood there, staring.
“I seek the bravest and most devious warriors to join me in Kaas City.”, Adoxia said.
Still the godmoder continued to say nothing and stare. By now, Adoxia decided the godmoder wasn’t very bright and therefore not a good candidate to serve her.
“Very well.”, she said. “I will continue on my way.” “Step aside”
“None shall pass.”, the godmoder said.
“What?”, demanded Adoxia.
“None shall pass.” the godmoder repeated.
“You’re going to make me do something you’ll regret.”, warned Adoxia in an angry tone.
“Then you shall die.”, stated the godmoder in the typical arrogant tone of godmoders.
With that, both drew their lightsabers and began to fight.
Adoxia quickly gained the upper hand, and lopped her opponent’s left arm off.
“Now stand aside.” Adoxia demanded
“It’s just a scratch.”, the godmoder insisted
“A scratch?” Adoxia demanded. “I cut off your arm, you twit.”
“No you didn’t” insisted the godmoder.
“Then what…” Adoxia retorted, “is that?” as she pointed to the severed arm on the ground.
“The godmoder looked at the evidence in front of his face and merely replied with “Ive had worse”
With that, the two began dueling again; lightsabers crashing furiously against each other. The godmoder made a blind charge, which Adoxia deftly sidestepped, and lopped off the godmoder’s right arm.
“I win.”, said Adoxia flatly. Boy is this REALLY becoming an overused plot device the last few days though, she thought to herself.
The godmoder ran up and began kicking at Adoxia with his feet. Adoxia’s look was completely incredulous.
“You’re either completely mad or suicidal.” she said.
“Oh, had enough then?” the godmoder taunted.
After a few kicks in her shin, Adoxia grew extremely angry and lopped the godmoder’s right leg off.
“I’ll kill you for that!” the godmoder yelled, hopping around on hid remaining leg.
“What are you going to do, bleed on me?”, Adoxia asked with amused sarcasm.
“I’m invincible!”, the godmoder yelled.
“You’re a lunatic.” Adoxia said flatly, turning to leave.
The godmoder kept hopping on one foot and kicking at Adoxia however, hitting her in the rear a few times. Adoxia whipped around and hacked off his other leg, leaving his limbless torso on the forest floor.
“Come, Patsy.”, Adoxia commanded and began to skip off.
2V-8R dutifully followed, playing the usual sound effects and theme music. Back on the path, the godmoder screamed a bunch of cries of chicken and repeatedly threatened to bite Adoxia’s ankles.
In the next village she came to, Adoxia first passed a group of hooded Revanites, chanting strange chants and banging copies of the mask of Revan into their faces. Embarrassed that she’d joined their order, she proceeded past and pretended not to know them. She reached the middle of the village and was greeted by a mob screaming “Rebel! Rebel!” “We found a rebel!” They carried a woman tied up and wearing an incredibly ill-fitting Republic military uniform up to a man who looked to be the village warlord; a large strong and attractive Sith pureblood male.
“What’s going on here?” the man demanded.
“We’ve found a rebel, my lord.” one of the villagers said. “May we execute her?”
Adoxia looked over the girl in a ridiculously ill-fitting Republic uniform. “How do you know she’s a rebel?”, Adoxia demanded.
“She looks like one.”, the villager said.
“Bring her forward.”, the pureblood commanded.
“I’m not a rebel.”, the woman protested. “I’m not a rebel.”
“But you’re dressed as one.”, the pureblood replied craftily.
“They dressed me like this.”, the woman insisted. “And look, this helmet isn’t even real, it’s from Halloween City!”
The crowd roared in protest, but the pureblood only held up his arm to silence them. “Well?”, he demanded.
“Well, we did do the helmet…”, one of the villagers grumbled. “But she is a rebel!”
“And what makes you think she’s a rebel?”
“Well, she used force persuade to make me stop drinking.”, said one villager, taking a huge drink from a jug of liquor.
“Stop drinking?”, said the doubtful pureblood.
“I got over it.” said the embarrassed villager.
With that, the mob again began to call for the woman’s execution, and again the pureblood raised his hand to silence them
“There are way to tell if she is a rebel.”, he stated matter-of-factly. “Now tell me, what do we do with rebels?”
“Blast them. Blast them!” the crowd cried.
“And what else do we blast, aside from more rebels?”, the pureblood asked the crowd.
After several inane answers from the crowd, Adoxia finally spoke up and said “Gundarks.”
“Exactly!”, replied the pureblood. “And if both gundarks and rebels are our enemies…”
“Then that must mean they’re on the same side!”, shouted one of the villagers.
“Exactly again.”, said the pureblood.
“Soooo…”, said one confused villager, trying to muddle through the illogic, “If we throw her to the gundarks and they like her…”
“Rebel! Rebel!”, screamed the crowd.
“Come, we will take her to the pit.”, the pureblood said.
The mob carried her to the other edge of the village and threw her into a pit with a gundark where she was promptly torn apart.
“Now see?” the pureblood said. “She was innocent.” “Learn to show trust and compassion.”
Adoxia shook her head at the Revanite ramblings and approached the handsome pureblood. He saw her approach and asked “And who are you that is so skilled in seeking the truth?”
“I am Adoxia, Empress of the Sith.”
“My lord.” proclaimed the pureblood, immediately kneeling and bowing his head.
“I’m looking for worthy Sith to serve me at Kaas City, and in your case, share my bed.”, Adoxia said in a sultry tone.
“My lord, I would be honored.”, responded the pureblood.
“What’s your name?” demanded Adoxia in a haughty voice.
“Stygus, my lord.”
“Rise, Darth Stygus and follow your new master.”, Adoxia replied with a vixen like grin.
And so Darth Stygus became the first to follow the Empress and journey with her to Kaas City… They were joined by many more and their Sithy deeds were told throughout the ages…
The wise Darth Stygus was the first to join Empress Adoxia, but many others were soon to follow. There was lord Cenderon the fierce, Darth Kurriz the godmoder, and Apprentice Haheek, the not so fierce as lord Cenderon, the almost as bad a godmoder as Darth Kurriz, who had almost won a PVP match, who had nearly saw a Jedi, who ran at the sight of a Jawa, and the aptly named Darth deleted from the guild. Together they formed a guild whose names and deeds were known throughout the server.
As the entire group skipped along with 2V-R8 carrying the giant boom box playing landspeeder noises and epic theme music, the sky parted and the Force revealed itself to them.
“Adoxia!” the Force said. “Adoxia, Empress of the Sith!”
The assembled group immediately fell to its knees in awe of the presence of the Force.
“Oh quit groveling.” the force snapped. “If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people groveling.”
“Yes, oh great Force.” Adoxia said as the group got to it’s feet.
“And quit sucking up!” the force demanded. “Every time I flow thru someone it’s ‘oh the Force is strong’ or ‘oh the Force binds the galaxy together’.” “I’m sick of it.”
“Sorry, oh Force…”, said Adoxia, somewhat befuddled.
“Adoxia, Empress of the Sith…” the Force continued. “You shall have a task to serve as an example for the rest of the galaxy!”
“Good idea, oh force!” Adoxia exclaimed excitedly, eager for something to move the plot along.
“Oh course it a good idea!”, the Force snapped in an irritated tone. “Now behold!” it continued. “The fearsome and all powerful… Plot Device!”
The swirling mass of Force energy revealed an image of an innocuous looking cube with a Bioware company logo on it.
“Behold, Adoxia, this is the Plot Device.” the force said. “Look well, for it is your sacred task to seek the device.” “That is your purpose, Adoxia; the quest for the Plot Device.”
With that, the Force withdrew from the skies.
“It could have said how much XP (experience points) it was worth.” Adoxia mumbled to herself.
The group rode along again with 2V-R8 following behind as usual. For many days they skipped across the jungles. Eventually they came upon a fortress. They skipped up to it, and Adoxia called out to the guard on the battlement.
“Hello!” she yelled. After a few moments of silence, she called again. “Hello!”
Finally she got an answer…
“Hello, who is it?” the sentry called back in a funny accent.
“It is I, Adoxia, Empress of the Sith, and these are my Sith lords.”, Adoxia replied. “Whose fortress is this?”
“This is the fortress of my master, lord WhoTheHellCares!” the sentry yelled back.
“Go and tell your master that the Force is guiding us on a sacred quest.” Adoxia said. “If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Plot Device.”
“Well, I’ll ask him,” the guard replied in a somewhat flippant tone, “but I don’t think he’ll go for it.” “He’s already got one, you see.”
“What?!?” Adoxia demanded incredulously.
“He says he’s already got one.” Haheek said, earning him a slap to the back of the head by Adoxia
“Are you sure he’s got one?” Adoxia asked the sentry.
“Oh yes,” the sentry replied. “It’s very nice.”
The sentry looked over at three other sentries near him, hidden behind the battlements of the tall fortress walls. “I told them we already had one.” he whispered. The other sentries all snickered in response.
Adoxia and the others looked at each other, somewhat confused…
“Well, uh… can we come up and have a look?” Adoxia asked.
“Of course not.” the sentry replied in a haughty, indignant tone. “You are Imperial types!”
“Well, what are you then?” Adoxia demanded.
“I’m a Trekker.” the guard replied arrogantly. “Why do you think I have this outrageous red shirt and fake Vulcan ears?”
“What are you doing on Dromund Kaas?” Darth Stygus demanded.
“Well, Star Trek Online really sucked,” the guard replied, “and anyway, mind your own business!”
“If you will not show us the Plot Device, then we shall be forced to take your fortress by force.”, Adoxia threatened, eager to gain more dark side points.
“You don’t frighten us, Imperial jawa lickers!” the sentry taunted. After which, he continued with a stream of equal ludicrous taunts and insults.
“Now look”, Adoxia replied coldly, “if you don’t…”
The trekker sentry immediately cut her off with another tirade of insulting taunts.
“This is your last chance.” Adoxia replied in a bloodthirsty tone. “I’ve TRIED to be reasonable.”
No sooner had she spoken than a Bantha came flying, catapulted over the wall. The huge beast came crashing down on one of their bootlicking apprentices.
“Charge!” Adoxia yelled. “Kill them all!”
The group charged the fortress wall, only to be met with a shower of animals and monsters being flung down upon them by the trekkers; everything from womp rats to vine cats and small dewbacks.
“Run away!” Adoxia yelled, and ran for the edge of the jungle. No sooner had she said so then the others were all screaming “run away” and sprinting for the tree line as well.
“Arrogant weaklings, I’ll kill them all!” lord Cendera cursed.
“My lord,” said Stygus, cutting off Cendera’s rant. “I have an idea…”
The trekker guard studied the jungle beyond the clearing carefully… Nothing could be seen, but the sounds of fierce construction work could be heard in the distance. The noise went on for quite some time until a wooden gigantic scale replica NCC-1701A Enterprise on wheels rolled out of the jungle. All the trekkers stared in disbelief. They carefully opened the fortress door, looked about and then pulled the replica through the doors and into the fortress as Adoxia and the Sith watched from the edge of the jungle with wicked delight. When the fortress door was resealed, Adoxia turned to Stygus and spoke.
“What happens now?”, she demanded.
“Now, Cendera, Kurriz and I wait until nightfall,” Stygus explained in a proud tone, ” and leap out of the starship, taking the trekkers by surprise.” “Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed.”
Adoxia rolled her eyes in annoyance and looked about the group huddled around her. “Who leaps out?” she asked in an irritated tone.
“Cendera, Kurriz and I”, Stygus replied, pointing at the other two Sith.
Adoxia and Cendera both facepalmed and Adoxia barely had time to inform Stygus he wouldn’t be getting any tonight before the replica Enterprise came catapulted over the fortress wall, straight at them.
“Run AWAY!” they all yelled in terror, fleeing for their lives into the jungle.
Cut to a scene of a Game Developer standing in front of a set of the battle…
“Defeat at the fortress seemed to completely disheartened Empress Adoxia.” “The ferocity of the trekker onslaught taking her by surprise.” Adoxia the Empress became convinced that a new strategy was required.” the Game Developer said, sounding like a rather boring junior college history lecturer.
“Adoxia, having consulted her most trusted Sith, decided that they should separate,” continued the Game Developer, “and search for the Plot Device separately.” “Now this is what…” The game developer never finished his sentence though. He was cut off, literally, in mid sentence
by somebody racing by on a speeder bike, and lopping his head off with a lightsaber!
The Tale of Apprentice Haheek!
And so, the Sith went their separate ways in search of the Plot Device. Haheek travelled north, thru the Jungles of the flashpoint shuttle, accompanied by his favorite cantina band.
The cantina band played their instruments and sung songs of Haheek’s courage and how he wasn’t afraid to die. The song gradually turned more and more graphic about the hideous ways Haheek was not afraid to die until he finally wet himself and then forced the band to be silent.
The jungle quickly darkened as they skipped along to the speeder bike sound effects until they came upon a 3 headed Jawa standing in the pathway.
“HALT!” commanded the three headed Jawa, who strangely enough spoke perfect basic, “Who are you?”
“He is the invincible apprentice Haheek!” boasted one of the cantina singers.
“Shut up!” snapped Haheek at the singer. Haheek’s expression turned quite terrified as he turned back to the Jawa and stammered a reply “Err… uhhh nobody really… Just, just passing through.”
“What do you want?” the Jawa demanded in a fierce tone… At least as fierce as a three foot high creature who doesn’t really speak basic could muster.
‘To fight and slay all!” the cantina singers chimed in again.
Haheek barked “Shut up!” at the singer again then turned back to the Jawa. “Umm, nothing really… Just to pass through, oh mighty… level 2 monster” Haheek said as he checked his User Iinterface.
“I’m afraid not!” the Jawa barked in his fierce tone again.
“Well, um…” Haheek stammered, trying to gather up enough courage to godmode, “I am the greatest warrior of the Dark lords of the Sith and PVP (player vs player combat) champion of everything.”
“You’re a Sith lord PVP champion?” the Jawa asked, incredulous.
“I am”, Haheek replied, nearly soiling himself.
“In that case, we shall have to kill you”, the Jawa replied in a matter of fact tone.
“Shall I?”, asked the Jawa’s middle head of the other two.
“Oh I don’t think so.”, said the left head in an indignant tone
“Well what do I think?” asked the Jawa’s middle head in a somewhat confused tone.
“I think we kill him.” chimed in the Jawa’s right head.
“Well let’s be nice to him.” the left head replied.
“Oh shut up!”, snapped the right head. “Now quick, get the vibrosword out so I can cut his head off.”
“Cut your own head off.” the left head replied sarcastically.
“Yes, do us all a favor.” the middle head added in a bitter tone.
“What?!?” said the right head in an incredulous tone.
“Yapping on all the time…” the left head continued.
“You’re lucky, you’re not next to him.” the center head said to the left head.
“What does that mean?” the right head asked indignantly.
“You snore.” the center head answered in an irate tone.
“I do not.” the right head responded indignantly again. “And besides, you smell!”
“We’re a Jawa, what do you expect?” replied the center head angrily.
“Oh stop bitching and let’s go have tea” the left head said, snapping at the other two heads.
“Alright, alright, alright,” the right head replied in a snarky voice, “we’ll kill him first and then go have tea, and peppered bantha steak.”
“Yes.” the center head responded quite happily in agreement
“No, not peppered bantha steak.” the left head replied.
“Oh alright, not peppered bantha steak,” the right head replied in an annoyed tone, “but let’s kill him anyway.”
“Right!” all three heads finally said in agreement.
The three heads of the Jawa turned back from their bickering to look at the spot where Haheek had been standing. There was nothing there except footprints where Haheek and his band had scurried off back the way they came, and a puddle of pee from where Haheek had wet himself, again.
“He’s buggered off!” the right head exclaimed indignantly.
A good distance down the road already, Haheek’s cantina band played as they fled.
“Brave apprentice Haheek ran away.” they sang and played
“No!” Haheek exclaimed in deep denial.
“Bravely ran away away.” they continued, almost snickering.
“I didn’t…” Haheek replied in a flustered tone.
“When danger reared its ugly head, he quickly turned his tail and fled…” the band continued singing.
“I did not!” haheek continued to protest as they fled into the jungle.
“Of this there can be no doubt, he ran away and chickened out…” the band sang as they all disappeared into the distance.
Episode 3: The Tale of lord Kurriz:
Lord Kurriz struggled alone and on foot bravely thought the downpour of rain, the hostile terrain and the mud. His journey had been epic and all around him in the distance the sounds of Gundarks , vine cats and other foul beasts could be heard. Just as Kurriz feared he had reached his limits, he saw a tall fortress, above it, a vision of the mighty plot device shown in all its glory.
With his remaining strength, Kurriz pushed onward to the fortress blast doors and began to beat on them.
“Open the blast doors, open the blast doors.”, he cried as he banged his fist on them.
“In the name of Empress Adoxia, open the door!” he continued as he collapsed from utter exhaustion against the door.
Suddenly the door did open, and Kurriz fell crashing to the floor inside the fortress entry way. He looked back at the open door with a look of bewilderment (apparently surprised a door was opened when that’s exactly what he asked for), then turned to look beyond the entryway. Before him stood a buxom young redhead woman in a form fitting and nearly sheer robe. Four other similarly dressed women stood a bit behind her
“Hello, oh might Sith lord.”, the woman said in an almost overly warm tone. “Welcome to the fortress womp rat fever.”
“The fortress womp rat fever?”, ask Kurriz in disbelief
“Yes, it’s not a very good name is it?” the woman replied almost apologetically.
At this point, seeing all the hawt women gathered around, Kurriz wondered if he’s stumbled into lord Stygus’s legendary harem.
“Ohhh, but we are nice,” the busty woman continued, “and we will attend to your every, every need.”
“You are the keepers of the plot device?”, Kurriz asked?
“The what?” the woman asked, feigning confusion.
“The plot device… it is here?” Kurriz asked urgently.
The woman bit her lower lip in an almost erotic fashion and looked about for a moment before continuing to speak. “Oh but you are tired, you must rest a while.”, she said sympatheticly.
She turned to two of the women behind her. “Panik… Azuka…” she called to them.
Both immediately scurried up. “Yes, mistress Cait?” they asked in unison.
“Prepare a bed for our guest.” Cait said to the two women.
“Yes, oh thank you, thank you. thank you.” Panik and Azuka replied in unison again and quite enthusiastically.
“Away… away…” Cait replied with a dismissive waive of her hand. The two women quickly scurried off down the hall. Cait turned her attention back to Kurriz, who had yet to pick himself up off the floor. “The beds here are warm and soft,” she said as she helped Kurriz up off the floor, “and very, very big,”
“Well, look… I uhh… I…”, stammered Kurriz, distracted by Cait’s ample cleavage.
“What is your name, oh mighty Sith lord?” Cait asked in a warm tone, putting her hand under Kurriz’s chin and moving his eyes to meet hers instead of her boobs.
“L… lord Kurriz… the godmoder.” Kurriz replied.
“Mine is Cait… Just Cait.”, Cait replied with a smile as she moved closer to Kurriz. “Oh but come…”, she said, taking Kurriz by the arm and leading him down the hall.
“In the name of the Force, show me the plot device.” Kurriz requested firmly, trying to pretend he hadn’t returned to staring at Cait’s cleavage.
“Oh you have suffered much, you are delirious.” Cait replied in a concerned tone.
“No, I have seen it, it is here…” Kurriz protested.
“Lord Kurriz, you would not be so rude as to refuse our hospitality, would you?” Cait asked in a mock wounded tone.
“Well… I… umm…” Kurriz stammered.
Cait sighed “I’m afraid our life must seem quite dull and boring compared to yours.” “We are all only junior college aged redheads and blonds, not at all female impersonators, under aged girls or FBI sting agents… cut off in this fortress with no one to protect us.” “It is a lonely life… bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear…” We are just not used to all powerful godmoding Sith lords.”
By now, Cait and Kurriz had reached a bedroom in the fortress and Cait lead him to the bed and pushed him down onto it.
“Oh but you are wounded.” exclaimed Cait, seeing a scratch on Kurriz’s thigh. She ran her hand up Kurriz’s inner thigh. “You must see the doctors immediately.”
Cait made Kurriz lie down on the bed, then clapped her hands. The same two young women from earlier scurried into the room.
“What seems to be the problem?” Panik asked.
“They’re doctors?!?” Kurriz asked, incredulously.
“They have a… basic medical training.” Cait responded with a shifty eyed look. “You must rest.” Cait looked up at the two women. “Doctor Panik, doctor Azuka, practice your arts.
Cait walked out of the room as the redhead and Chiss woman practically pounced on Kurriz and began trying to remove his armor under the premise of giving him a medical examination.
The type to be intimidated and unable to handle even one confident, capable woman, much less two, Kurriz jumped off the bed in a panic (NOT in a Panik). “Torment me no longer.” he cried. “I have seen the plot device.”
“There’s no plot device here.” Azuka replied.
“Never is with THIS kind of RP.” Panik added with a sigh and a smirk.
“I have seen it!” Kurriz protested. “I have seen it” With that, Kurriz ran from the room and into an adjacent room where the two women had entered from.
The room was full of dozens of scantily clad young women doing various things. They all immediately took notice of Kurriz and began greeting him. He rushed out through a side door before they could all swarm him. He ran down the hall and straight into a very busty Twi’lek woman with blue skin, dressed in a slave girl bikini costume.
“Oh… I thought you were Cait for a moment.” Kurriz said.
“No,” the Twi’lek replied, “I’m Cait’s identical twin sister Tsel.”
Kurriz looked completely lost, trying to figure out how a blue skinned Twi’lek and a redhead human could be identical twins, but quickly lost his train of thought. “I am Kurriz.” he said. “I seek the plot device.” “It is here, I have seen it!” he insisted. “It’s here in this fortress.”
Tsel’s expression immediately turned mock horrified “Oh no… Oh no… oh NO!” she gasped.
“What?” Kurriz asked, confused
“Bad, bad Cait.” Tsel exclaimed. “Bad, wicked naughty Cait!” “She has been lighting our beacon, which I just remembered is plot device shaped.” “It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.” Tsel added, shaking her head disappointedly.
“It’s not the real plot device??” Kurriz asked in disbelief.
“Oh wicked, naughty, bad evil Cait!” Tsel exclaimed. “She is a bad person, and must pay the penalty!” Tsel grabbed Kurriz by the hand and lead him back down the hallway he’d just raced through. “Wicked, wicked Cait.” she said again. “She must pay the penalty!”, she added as they reached the room with all the other women. “And here in fortress womp rat fever. we have but one penalty for switching on the plot device shaped beacon.”
Kurriz nodded, curious. “Ok…”
“You must tie her down on a bed,” Tsel continued, “and spank her!”
And the other women in the room seemed clearly excited by the idea and began cheering. “A spanking, a spanking!” they cried.
“You must spank her well.” Tsel said. “And after you have spanker her, you may deal with her as you like.” Tsel took a deep breath before continuing. “And then… spank me.” she added in a sultry tone.
The other women all joined in with cries of “and spank me!”
“Yes… yes!” Tsel replied. “You must give as all a good spanking!”
The women were all ecstatic at that point and Tsel had to take a few moments to calm them down somewhat. Afterwards she turned back to Kurriz and continued to speak
“And after the spanking… the ERP!” she exclaimed.
“Yes, yes, the ERP!” several of the other women exclaimed excitedly.
“Well, I could stay a bit longer…” Kurriz decided, staring at Tsel’s cleavage, which was ready to pop out of the trashy slave girl top.
No sooner had Kurriz’s tongue hit the ground and he began drooling uncontrollably at the thought of ERPing with so many girls, than Darth Suleyman and lord Cendera broke into the room, and dragged Kurriz literally kicking and screaming from the fortress full of foul ERP temptresses.
Darth Suleyman and lord Cendera had saved Kurriz from almost certain temptation, but they were no closer to locating the plot device.
Not far away, Empress Adoxia and Darth Stygus sat onboard a X-70 Phantom starship, making out passionately as Adoxia encouraged him to feel her up. Across the table sat a rather annoyed looking redhead intelligence officer, one of the Empress’s many spies.
“Look, Empress or not,” Lyanna snapped, “Either let me deliver my report, or at least let me join in.”
Adoxia let out an annoyed sigh and buttoned back up her top. “Very well…” she replied in an annoyed tone, “WHAT have you learned about the location of the Plot Device?”
“There is said to be a powerful sith wizard here on Dromund Kaas.” Lyanna said.
“Yes, yes…” Adoxia replied impatiently. “Every idiot with a sorcerer character thinks they’re one…” “Has this ‘wizard’ seen the plot device?”
Lyanna only rolled her eyes, displaying an annoyance similar to Darth Baras’s when asked if something was wrong. Obviously, she wouldn’t bring it up if he didn’t know anything…
“Where does he live?” Adoxia demanded next.
Lyanna punched up a map on the ship’s holoterminal, and continued to speak. “He knows of an assembly cave…” “A cave which no man has entered.” “More than can be said for you…” she mumbled afterwards.
Adoxia pretended not to hear the snarky remark. “And the Plot Device?”, she asked in a condescending tone. “Is it in there?”
“Did I say it was?” Lyanna snapped again. “This is a dangerous journey, TRY to pay attention.” “Beyond the cave lies the gorge of eternal crashes, which no system has ever survived.” “They keep promising to fix it in the next patch though.” she muttered again.
“And the Plot Device?” Adoxia demanded angrily. “Where is the Plot Device.”
“In the gorge…” Lyanna continued, sounding more annoyed and turning a bit red, “seek the bridge of doom.”
Adoxia and Stygus looked at each other, somewhat concerned… Adoxia turned back to face Lyanna, quirked an eyebrow and asked; “The bridge of doom leads to the Plot Device?”
Unable to handle any more stupid, inane questions and annoyed at being unable to join in the make out session, Lyanna logged out. She and her ship promptly disappeared leaving Stygus and Adoxia alone. At which point they promptly began making out again.
A few hours later, Adoxia and Stygus skipped through the darkest depths of the jungle, 2V-R8 following as always, playing landspeeder sound effects and epic theme music. When the jungle was at its deepest and darkest, they were surrounded by Cobalus, Crimsonus, Ceruleana and several others.
“Peace.” they all kept repeating over and over again.
“Who are you?” Adoxia asked?
“We are the Prismi who say PEACE!” Cobalus responded.
“Piece?” asked Adoxia in a sultry tone, glancing at Stygus.
“NO, PEACE!” snapped Cobalus.
“No, not the Prismi who say peace”, Adoxia dispaired, her Sithy ears burning at the sound of such a low XP concept.
“The same.” Cobalus replied. “We are the keepers of the sacred words; peace, love and light!”
Adoxia gasped, glancing to Stygus. “Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.”
Cobalus continued… “We, the Prismi who say Peace… demand a sacrifice.”
“Prismi of Peace”, Adoxia whimpered, trying to get past that dreadful word. “We are but simple travelers who seek the wizard who lives beyond these jungles”
Cobalus grew annoyed and his entire entourage began chanting “peace” They continued until Adoxia and Stygus were cringing in fear and pain, then stopped. “We will continue to say ‘peace’ to you if you do not appease us.” he said in an arrogant tone.
“W.. well what is it you want?” Adoxia asked fearfully.
“We want…” Cobalus said, “…a MY LITTLE PONY!”
“A what?!?” asked Adoxia, dumbfounded by the request.
The group immediately began chanting ‘peace’ again, until Adoxia and Stygus were again on the ground writhing in pain at such an un-sithy concept.
“Please, please…” Adoxia gasped, “no more.” “We will find you a My Little Pony.”
“You must return here with a My Little Pony,” Cobalus said, “or you will never pass thru here alive.”
“Oh Prismi of Peace”, Adoxia said, “You are just and fair.” “We will return with a My Little Pony.”
“One that looks nice.” Cobalus demanded.
“Of course” replied Adoxia
“And not one of the expensive collector’s edition ones.” Cobalus said thoughtfully. “I already have all of those…” “Noooowww Go!” Cobalus demanded, pointing down the trail.
Back at the site of the GM’s beheading, Bioware management and cybercrime experts were examining the body…
Adoxia and Stygus skipped back to Dromund Kaas and went to market square, having some slim hope of possibly finding a My Little Pony there… Adoxia approached an old woman in the market area.
“Old crone, ” Adoxia asked, “Is there anywhere in this market where we may find a My Little Pony?”
The old woman recoiled in horror. “Who sent you?!?” she demanded.
“The Prismi who say Peace.” Adoxia said flatly.
The old woman gasped, and shook her head almost violently. “NO, we have no ponies here.” she insisted.
“If you do not tell us where to find a My Little Pony, ” Adoxia said, “My boy toy and I shall be forced to say… ” Adoxia choked on the vile word, taking a few moments to be able to get it out. “We shall be forced to say… peace.”
The woman fell back against the wall behind her, gasping in pain at what such a concept would do to the in-game economy. “Do your worst.” she snarled defiantly.
“Very well…” Adoxia roared angrily. “If you shall not assist us voluntarily…” Adoxia looked around, embarrassed to use such a horrible, un-sithy word… “Peace!”, she snarled.
The old woman spasmed in pain. “No, never!” she gasped. “No Pony!”
“Peace.” Adoxia snarled, leaning in close to add emphasis to her words.
“Pleats.” said Stygus joining in the attack
Adoxia turned to Stygus. “No, no, that’s not quite right…”, she said in a professorial tone. “It’s peeaaccee.” Now you try it.
Stygus stumbled with the word for a few moments and finally got it.
“That’s it, that’s it.” Adoxia said almost excitedly. “You’ve got it.”
With the they both turned and launched a barrage of ‘peace’ at the old woman, who recoiled in horror and pain.
A wandering merchant passed by, witnessing the exchange. “Are you saying ‘peace’ to that old woman?” he demanded.
“We are.” Stygus answered defiantly.
“Oh what dark times are these when passing Sith can say ‘peace’ at will to old ladies.” the merchant lamented. “There is a pestilence upon this land.” “Nothing is sacred, not even the only way to earn XP.” “Even those who collect and display My Little Ponies are under considerable economic distress at this point in History.”
“Did you say Ponies?” Adoxia asked.
“Yes, My Little Ponies are my trade.” the merchant replied. “I am a Bronie.” “My name is Tony the Bronie.” “I collect, display and trade My Little Ponies.”
A short quick travel button press later, Adoxia and Stygus again stood before the mass of Cobalus’s Prismi.
“Prismi who say Peace,” Adoxia said trying again to sound regal, “We have brought you a My Little Pony.” “May we go now?”
“It is a good pony…” Cobalus declared. “I like the color particularly.” “But there is one small problem…” he continued.
Adoxia rolled her eyes and waited for the other shoe to drop. “What is that?” she asked impatiently.
“We are now no longer the Prismi who say peace.” Cobalus said. “We are now… scientologists!” “Therefore,” he continued, “we must give you a test, and a copy of Dianetics”
Adoxia again rolled her eyes and spoke; “What is this test, oh scientol…” Adoxia refused to finish the vile word. “…oh cult formerly known as Prismi?”
“Firstly, you must find us… another pony!” Cobalus demanded in dramatic fashion.
“Not another damned My Little Pony…” Adoxia moaned.
“Then,” Cobalus continued, “you must place it here with the other one, only one shelf higher, so they’re both visible.” The other former Prismi became quite excited at the idea and nodded joyfully.
“I’d sooner eat a pony steak.” Adoxia replied flippantly.
The Prismi all recoiled in horror, clutching their ears in shock.
“Don’t say that!” gasped Cobalus.
“Say what?” Adoxia asked.
“That horrible thing.” Cobalus said. “It’s so vile I can’t possibly repeat it.”
Adoxia contemplated the situation briefly but was interrupted by the approach of Haheek, whose cantina band was still singing songs of his glorious flight from battle.
“My Empress, it’s good to see you.” Haheek said. “I was delayed by a stop in a nearby cantina for a delicious pony steak.”
The prismi again recoiled in horror and covered their ears. “Now he’s doing it!” Cobalus shrieked.
Lyanna, freshly logged back in, arrived on the scene and witnessed the exchange with ghoulish delight. “Nothing, I love more than a good pony steak myself.” she said with a cruel grin.
Cobalus and the Prismi howled in pain again.
“I love it almost as much as my Akk Dog loves dog food with real pony in it.” Lyanna continued, cackling cruelly. “They make such good glue too…”
With that Cobalus and the Prismi could take no more and fled into the Jungle, carrying their My Little Pony with them.
And THAT is as far as I got into this insanity… at least thus far, lol.