Since my half dozen (thus far) non fan fiction erotica pieces all have at least a slight element of domination and submission to them (Amy’s Seduction being the only real exception), I felt I’d take a couple of minutes to spell out my thoughts on the subject.
So let’s start with the reality that BDSM is NOT one single path. It’s an entire spectrum of kink that ranges from light teasing all the way up to heavy pain infliction and very rough sex. Plain and simple, my view is that as long as it’s safe, sane and above all mutually consensual, it’s all good. All of that requires a great deal of communication and self awareness by both parties.
I have one huge gripe with elements of the community. That being the “if you’re not doing it MY way, it’s not really domination!” crowd. Typically, (not always) this comes from the male “doms” that are into the more physical, hardcore end of the BDSM spectrum. Not only is that whole “my way” idea utter crap, it also tells me the Dom or Domme (a dominatrix) uttering it has no idea what they’re talking about, possibly little or no respect for submissives, and / or massive insecurity issues. Yes, I am indeed a typical redhead with strong opinions.
I’m fairly passionate on the issue because I used to have a virtual part-time job counseling women who were responding to ads looking for submissives on a certain free site that no longer runs personals. Horrified by some of the “dom” ads I saw, I posted my own telling submissives that their submission was a gift given, it had to be earned, that a dom should listen to your wants and needs when establishing relationship boundaries, and that it was just as much about their orgasm as his.
A real dominant, especially one into the hardcore end of the spectrum, is going to want to talk before establishing a relationship; make sure the other person is more than just titillated, and has compatible ideas about what BDSM is. If their ideas later drift apart on the subject, they will set the submissive free instead of trying to force them past hard limits also.
It was amazing and scary how many “thank you” replies I got from women with strong curiosity but who were confused and scared after communicating with abusers who told them that if they were submissive at all, they’d immediately do anything and everything the “dom” said, no questions asked, right from the moment they met. A few of them even told me they were made to feel like they were crazy until they read my post.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m anything but a saint. I’m proud to say I saved a few women from abusive relationships though.
Soft Domination:
The other half of the reason that whole “only my way” line irks me is that I’m a soft dominant. I could make a hell of a case that it takes far more skill to use pleasure and a submissive’s own body and imagination against them than it does to use whips or chains.
Reality is, they’re simply two different skill sets. Which one is best depends entirely upon the needs and desires of the submissive. The key distinction there however is the difference between rough sex or outright abuse and true domination. We already talked about abusers though.
I prefer a softer domination style because I find it simply more elegant and artful. The ability to capture and lead someone’s imagination using just words… firing their desire until they want nothing more than to surrender to you… THAT is refined skill.
Follow that up the lightest of touches and kisses in just the right places… Making them physically weak as their desire runs wild… It’s as much a rush for the dom / domme as it is for the submissive. Nothing quite compares to it… other than the explosive orgasms that follow. To me, that makes for a deeper connection than whips and chains provide.
It also means a soft dom / domme has to work just as hard if not harder than hard doms to make sure that the submissive is cared for and their needs are met, just as that quotation picture above says. Any aspect of their life that the Submissive gives a Dominant control over becomes their responsibility to handle in as nurturing and supportive manner as possible. manner.
The Role of Bondage & Discipline in a Softer Dom / Sub Relationship:
I’m sure some of you have been wondering about that issue. There’s no simple answer for that, because the truth is that soft to hard is a sliding scale with alot of ground in between both extremes. What degree of either element is appropriate is going to depend upon both people in the relationship. I can give some generalities however…
Bondage: No matter where on the scale a BDSM relationship falls, bondage is all about control; taking it and surrendering it, and creating a heightened sense of vulnerability in the submissive. The main difference between a hard and soft dominant is that a soft dom or domme doesn’t typically tie up their partner with a goal of causing physical discomfort or pain as another step in reinforcing that helplessness. That’s (again generally, not always) true even if something like a spanking were following in both cases.
Punishments in general can vary widely. Anything from an annoyed or disappointed look (which can be devastating to a deeply attached sub with a gentle dom /domme), withholding attention (very effective with a truly pleasure based sub), building the sub to an orgasm but denying release (it works on women as well as men), confinement in a room, cage or bondage equipment, all the way up to spanking in some cases.
I’ve even used mandatory sybian rides in a couple of instances (too much pleasure can be a punishment, believe it or not). Just not attached to a wall like below, lol.
Again, everything’s a sliding scale that varies based on the specific relationship.
Humiliation and degradation are also tools used all across the spectrum of BDSM relationships, but having grown up in an abusive home, I dislike anything resembling mental abuse.